Tuesday, April 10, 2007

A Short Nap

Something I wrote after having somewhat of an experience a few years ago.

What is happening? A dream? No, not a dream... something else. I briefly remember that I was working in the hot summer sunshine and came inside the house to lie down for a little rest before continuing. Just a short nap, then I'd go back outside and finish whatever it was I was doing. That memory is rapidly vanishing, as are all memories of me as a person. Death has claimed me. I realize that's what has happened. I can't remember my name, and I know that I had a family, but can't recall them. It's as if my entire life is being sucked down a vortex and all that's left is... my soul...? Is this my spirit? There is no light, yet it isn't exactly darkness that I am aware of either. A dim awareness. That's the best description of what I am right now. I have no idea of how long I've been dead....seconds, weeks, eons? There seems to be no time here.
Gradually, something is starting to happen. Feelings are coming to me. I can remember feelings. The first one is curiosity. Where am I? Is this heaven, hell, purgatory? I can remember learning of those places, although that memory comes like a spark of light, then disappears. Fear. Another feeling that comes to me. Although I do not feel fear at the moment I remember that it was something that controlled my life. I'm curious why that particular emotion is not overwhelming me at this moment. A brief sense of elation comes over me, then vanishes, but not entirely. Joy. Yes, that was something else I remember, although with that memory comes sorrow, and the sorrow overwhelms me, filling my being with regret. I vaguely remember my family now, although not their faces, just the feelings that were present when we were together. I know that the regret comes from failures on my part. I don't remember what they were, only that I didn't do my best for them. The sorrow deepens and remains, and it seems that I stay in this state for a very long time. Is this my eternity, to spend forever in a state of woe?
Gradually, something else works it's way to me. Amid the sorrow a sense of longing is starting to grow. Longing for what, I do not know. Slowly, ever so slowly, this longing starts to overtake the sorrow, bringing new feelings to light. I start to realize what I long for, and I think it is forgiveness and another chance. A chance at... life? Forgiveness from... God? I can remember learning of God, and that He forgives, but thus far it seems I am totally alone, wherever I am. My wants grow stronger, although still not focused. Suddenly I remember Joy again, and realize that is what I've been longing for. I try to concentrate on that emotion and my being starts to change. The void I find myself in starts to vibrate and light, dim at first, appears. The light grow more intense and I sense something is about to happen. The light and the emotion of joy seem to have a symbiotic relationship. I am definitely feeling that I'm headed for something, though I know not what. As the light envelopes me and draws my being into it another emotion, Hope, floods through me and it is the last thing I remember.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Dear Tim,

What a beautiful piece of writing! There's an experience very much like you describe in William James' The Varieties of Religious Experience.

1:38 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home