Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Regrets and Shortcomings

I guess everyone looks back at their past and finds a few things they'd like to change. I'm no exception, in fact I'd like to do a lot of it over again, but I tend to think things happen for a reason, so there must be some purpose behind my life so far. I wish I had been more aggressive though, in my younger years. My youth was spent in an almost Amish-like passiveness when it came to dealing with other people... other kids, mostly. I only got in a couple of shoving matches through school. It might have helped my confidence in myself greatly to get in a few fights, even if I got a few teeth knocked out. It wasn't as if I got picked on a lot, maybe because I was big enough to take care of myself, but there were a few times that stick with me like a sliver of metal that's lodged deep beneath my skin. Times I wish I would have kicked some ass, or gotten mine kicked if that was the consequence. One of these was in Phys. Ed. playing volleyball in seventh grade. I missed the ball or something. The next thing I knew was kicked in the back by one of the eighth graders for missing the ball. I didn't do anything about it, even though I suffered a cracked tailbone and had back problems from then on through my life. I should have decked him, and if it happened now I definitely would. Another time was on a bus trip back from an FFA outing where we got to watch our teacher castrate one of his hogs. I hated riding the bus, it always gave me a headache, so I had my head down resting on my forearms when someone took a thick, hardbound book and smacked me on the head, almost knocking me out. I looked around and saw a bunch of the illiterates that were a couple of grades ahead of me sitting a few seats back laughing like it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen. Even though I was outnumbered I should have stood up for myself then. I didn't.

Over the years I've learned to take care of myself better, although instead of high school fistfights people expect you solve differences by stating your point and coming to an agreement in a grownup fashion. I've found that my earlier passiveness has affected me in that I will let the minor problems go until they build up so much that I sometimes explode about something seemingly meaningless, when it's really a culmination of all the little things. Had I managed my anger in a more constructive manner earlier in life I might be able to deal with the small problems as they come up, avoiding the complete meltdown which tends to lead people to think I'm a nutcase for blowing up over something so trivial.

Well, the Buckeyes played football like they had eaten too much Christmas ham and just couldn't move. It was a pretty sorry-looking game and not a good ending to a great season, but hats off to the Gators, they did everything right.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Hey Tim,
I do the same thing! I tend to internalize a lot and then melt down. It's strange how that works. I know how you feel about the Buckeyes -- I nearly wept watching the Pistons last year!

9:46 AM  

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