Monday, August 06, 2007

Captain Fantastic Limps Into Oblivion

A lot of people are into personalizing their possessions by naming them. I guess that's ok to an extent, like maybe their dog, but some people go to extremes by giving names to their guns, cars, purses, kids and fishing poles. I was never into that, rarely even calling my wife by her name. "Hey you" works just fine, especially when Alzheimer's is on the horizon and I won't remember that I ever got married in the first place.
I wonder, though, if assigning names to things might just make it feel like you've got a friend - one who doesn't say much. A lot of guys name their genitals; Big Ted, Big Al, Little Buddy. I suppose I could do that. Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboys comes to mind, although the reference to Elton John when talking about my genitals makes me very uneasy, and I doubt that my wife would ever give in to my ego boost by calling that part of me Captain Fantastic, so I'd better skip that idea, but darned if it isn't a great name. Old Blue for my car would fit, since it's past its prime and still blue. Shopping Chaperone for my wife's car, since it's usually at the mall or Wal-Mart. My guns I could call.....umm... aw heck with it... I just can't be that redneck, no matter how hard I try. So no more names for anything, and if my kids ever have kids then they'd better put a nametag on them because I probably won't know who they are by then anyway.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Hey Tim,

This post was so funny it had me laughing out loud! The pet names men give their, umm, little friends, has always been a mystery to me. But I'm guilty of naming things -- ie, my car -- Snowflake (although sometimes people get confused and call him Snowball!), and I'm close to a child who calls all my make-up, "our little special friends." I haven't yet resorted to naming my guns, but alas, that might be next. Great post, Tim. You made my Tuesday!

10:31 AM  
Blogger Cheri said...

I typically name my cars-

1st- Ford Tempo- The Ghetto Cruiser
2nd- Pontiac Sundance- Silver Shitbox
3rd- Chevy Blazer- Summer
4th- Chevy Corsica- The Intercoursica
5th- Buick Century- The Beeotch Mobile

Pathetic.. lol. I only crashed the first car!

10:02 PM  

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