Wednesday, July 04, 2007

The View From Above

It seems the older I've gotten the more the problems and stresses in my life intensify. It's a combination of things, really. Money is a big factor - I just keep going further into debt, but also there seems to be a sense of slowly developing chaos about most other things in my life. Work, kids, wife...everything seems to be coming unraveled. The fact that I'm getting older doesn't help any either. I had a birthday last Friday and was thinking back to when I was young and envisioning my future. It looked nothing like the present that I live in, except perhaps the fact that I have the children that I wanted - even at a young age I knew I wanted to be a father. But the rest of my life is filled with disappointment. Regrets that I haven't made a better life for myself and family, that I haven't changed my quiet nature which has kept me from making friends easily, and disappointed that anxiety has become such a controlling force in my life. Looking at myself I wonder what my purpose in life could possibly be and it depresses me, so, I get in my car and drive to the country.

Climbing my hill is not a quick and easy task for someone who's got a few extra pounds to lug around, and whose hair has more and more gray strands everyday. Some days I'll feel energetic enough to try to sprint to the top, but three fourths of the way up my heart is threatening to explode and my legs turn to Jello so I have to stop and gasp for breath and regain enough energy to plod on to the top. There, I sit and let my head pound for a minute or two while my heart rate returns to normal. Sitting atop the hill just watching nature all around me is something I could do for hours on end. Directly across from me is the opposite hill where deer always bed down, and at the top of that hill where the treeline meets the open field I sometimes see wild turkeys. The scenery is why we bought this land in the first place, and up here on the top of the hill I can forget about the miseries in my life and enjoy the tranquility of being alone with nature. It's very much like James Taylor's song Up On The Roof, where all troubles are forgotten as he escapes from the hustle and bustle down below... it's just that my view is a little different.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Dear Tim,

Happy late birthday! I know how those can be though -- it makes one a little introspective and not always in a happy way. :( Things go in cycle and it seems like everything does tend to unravel all at the same time. I was glad to read the description of nature --I have lots of friends who believe that nature can heal them from sadness and depression and it works. I haven't tried it because of my fear of getting too much exercise :), but I'm going to give it a whirl one of these days. Happy Fourth, Tim! I hope you're having an great one.

10:00 AM  

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