Sunday, January 27, 2008

Looking In the Window and Seeing Myself

I started this blog almost two years ago to be an online journal of my attempts to conquer my panic and anxiety issues. I've actually made very little progress toward that goal. Part of the reason I don't write much about it is because it's an embarrassing affliction that no one else can relate to unless they've been through the same thing. People have said to me, and many more have thought to themselves but didn't say, "Just get over it!". I can well understand their frustration with me at failing to overcome these demons. I used to look at smokers, drinkers and other people who have something they'd like to control but can't, and I would think "It's not that hard, just get over it.". Now I understand their difficulty. I have to think that God has allowed me to be like this for a purpose, whether it's a test of my faith or something else, something grander that's yet to be revealed. What I know for sure is that my whole adult life has been influenced by anxiety and panic and that I would be a different person were they out of my life. A better person? Unknown. But I would have taken more chances and risks, some of which might have paid off and some that I see would have been disastrous, so would I be better off?...flip a coin.

I'm considering abandoning this blog, or changing its structure perhaps. I just don't feel comfortable writing down some of the things that go through my head because some are terrifying and others just plain ridiculous. Such is the mind of a not-entirely-stable person, I guess. So, I've been writing events that happen in my life, or memories of growing up, that sort of thing, but not using this blog for the purpose I originally started it for. I don't know, I might try to write a little each day and maybe in doing that I'll find that I'm more comfortable letting my mind spill out a little at a time.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Oh Tim,

I hope you don't abandon your blog. You have such an honesty and insight into life -- that's not true of most people. I understand about anxiety and panic because it was/is my affliction. It's tough to deal with and tough for others to understand, but I have faith in you and your writing. There's a lot of people you give hope to and who read you for inspiration. Your title of this post reminds me of a wonderful Raymond Carver poem "Locking Myself Out And Trying To Get Back In." My dad read a copy of that poem and thought I wrote it and said, Now I know you're going to be a great writer. I didn't have the heart to correct him and found a strange solace in his words. Do whatever you need to do with writing -- you'll always make it work. I have total faith in you, buddy!

12:29 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

Thank you so much for the kind words Michelle. I know that what I write is usually boring and often I hope nobody else reads it, so your comments brighten my day.

3:50 PM  

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