Sunday, January 03, 2010

If I Could Make A Wish

I've been thinking about my family and how they're almost all grown up now. The past fifteen or twenty years has flown by and now I'm sitting here realizing how much I miss them being little boys. I realize that I never took them fishing or camping enough, never took them on the ferris wheel, never went away on vacations with them. How I wish I could go back and change things. Sometime during their teenage years (the two oldest) they got too old to keep saying "I love you" to without embarrassing them, and it's approaching that point with my youngest. I never thought that would happen, but as I remember back to my own youth things transpired similarly. It hurts that the intimacy we shared earlier has dimmed, but I suppose that's part of them learning independence. Although I'm glad they're slowly learning self-reliance I find it hard to tell them how much I still love them and how proud I am of each of them. I see within each the person they are capable of becoming, their core being which is a very unique and special person in each. A parent still sees that person even though they think he went away when they grew up.

So how can I tell them that I'm sorry I wasn't the dad they deserved? That I wish I'd have conquered my phobias so we could have led a more normal life. How do I ask them to be little again so I can tell them stories at bedtime - the time of the day when I always felt especially close to them? How can I tell them that I see them as blessings from God, entrusted in my care until they're able to be on their own, but forever part of my heart and soul?
I really hope I'll find a way.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Hi Tim,

This is such a beautiful and lovely piece of writing. I'm sure your sons know how much you love them and I think it's hard for any parent to do everything they want with their kids -- time and the demands of life get in the way. Thanks so much for sharing this -- I found it incredibly moving.

1:47 PM  

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