Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Familiar Pain

Many times, when I look at old pictures or listen to music from when I was younger, I get an intense ache in the pit of my stomach. A longing to go back to that time. I think of things I could have done differently, tossing about a lot of "what ifs" in my mind, and trying to think of ways to relive some of those times. I've come to see that life is a one-way street, running until it dead ends, and there is no backing up time or pausing it. This is a bitter realization for someone who sees so many things they've done wrong, or things they haven't done at all, and knows there are no second chances. However, with that realization comes the knowledge that each day must be lived within that day. No looking back or ahead. I'm coming to accept this fact and trying to adjust my life accordingly, but still....

The lost loves, the places I wanted to go, things I wanted to do... there was a time for all that and that time is passed. There was a certain excitement about everything when I was younger which doesn't exist now, even when I finally get to do some of the things that I didn't get to earlier. The here and now is another chapter in life which holds its own excitement, and those younger-days things are from another time. I now find happiness in more 'grownup' endeavors which were boring when I was younger, so I'm learning to make the most of my transition from young man to middle age man. I've also realized that the pain I feel - that deep yearning for the past - is something I treasure, because my memories and any pangs that go along with them are my most solid connection to my youth, and I know I need that connection to keep my grownup life in perspective. So every now and then I listen to an old breakup song and let the feelings flood through me, knowing that afterward I'll see things a little differently, as if the past and present met briefly and came to an understanding of sorts.

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