Saturday, July 18, 2009

Out of it for Awhile

The other day I experienced a nervous breakdown. I thought I'd been through about as many variations of mental stress that there were, but this was something different and extreme. Not quite the physical symptoms of a panic attack, but so emotionally overwhelming that I could not see an end in sight, and I was barely in control of myself, yelling at my family in a way that I never do.
It was brought on by a few things; the realization of how far in debt I am and can see no way to pull myself out, by the overwhelming amount of work that has to be done to the house and the cabin, and the fact that the rest of my family doesn't seem to think anything is wrong and are unwilling to help out with things that need done.I reached a breaking point and just went over the edge. Driving down the highway I thought several times of turning my car into the path of an oncoming semi, or into a large tree, but that wouldn't help me any, as I would die in debt - something that goes against a sort of moral code I try to live by, I think you should not owe anyone anything when you pass out of this life. Eventually a large dose of Xanax brought me back to the point where I didn't care whether or not my house, cats or my bumblebee underwear got foreclosed on.
It was a scary thing to go through, and it made me face at least one hard fact; I wasn't going to be able to quit my job and go to school full time like I'd planned ... at least not this year.

Several other, slightly better, things have happened since the last time I posted anything. My wife and I celebrated our 25th anniversary - pretty quietly actually. I turned 50, thankfully also quietly. The remodeling at the store where I work is almost completed after two and a half years of sawing, jackhammering, and having to work around a crew of construction workers each day. I've been keeping busy, which is one reason I haven't been on here writing much, although I still get on and read my favorite blogs most every day. I hope the next time I'll have something interesting to write about, but probably not... although that's never stopped me from writing before.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Hey Tim,

How scary about the anxiety attack! I think those kinds of things sneak up on a person -- all that stress builds and well, kaboom. Thank God for xanax, a well-known friend of mine. I read that the average American is in 30,000 dollars worth of credit card debt alone. I think it's very hard to live in our culture without incurring tons of it. On the happier note, Happy belated birthday, buddy! I hope you had a great one. Fifty is so young -- the new thirty, I think. :) Take good care of yourself!

10:50 AM  

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