Monday, May 17, 2010

When I Don't Have a Camera

The most fantastic, unbelievable things keep happening to me, but as luck would have it I never have a camera to record the event. Since I go out in the country quite a bit I get to see many wonderful and sometimes strange works of nature, but all I have are stories that family and friends just pass off as another tall tale. For example, there was the time I saw a creature that looked like a human with bat wings gnawing on a deer carcass. It stared at me for a minute or so (long enough to get a really great shot had I brought a camera with me) then took to the air and flew off. No one believed me. And once I was in a field when a gigantic swarm of hornets rose from the weeds. I thought I was a goner, then something strange happened. In what I can only determine to be an attempt at communication the swarm rearranged itself to form images; a tree, a building, Elvis, and a bridge with a car crossing it. After about five minutes they were gone. Just crazy old Tim and one of his stories, they all said. And believe it or not I saw Sasquatch once when I was walking through the woods. It was building some sort of structure out of branches, leaves and feces that might have been some kind of nest to give birth since this looked like a pregnant creature. I mean, the hooters on that babe were... well, I could tell it was female, and I almost got a picture that time! I had my wife's camera phone and I wasn't sure how to use it so I accidentally sent three text messages, called someone named Jose and connected to the internet before I finally figured out how to take a picture with it. By the time I snapped a shot the Sasquatch had lumbered up the hill and all I got was its ass as it bent to pick something up. Everyone swore it was just a picture of Uncle Ralph mooning the camera. Uncle Ralph said it was him mooning the camera. Then, just two days ago I was going through McDonald's drive through and who do you think was just in front of me? Donald Trump! He ordered a McChicken and fries and a Coke from the dollar menu, then threw a royal fit when he found out there was tax on the pop and drove off without getting anything. No pictures, and no one believed me. What else is new.


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