Saturday, March 13, 2010

Twilight of a Nightmare

I've had a feeling for a while now that something is about to change in my life, that something has to change, for better or for worse - I'm not sure which way things will go. I've been making a little progress in my attempts to confront and defeat my panic issue so maybe that's a good sign, but half a lifetime of living with something like this doesn't go away easily. Still, I feel this nightmarish existence I live in much of the time will have an end of some sort. I know that I'll never be completely normal, comparatively, but I may reach a point where I'll be comfortable with life and all its responsibilities.
A stark realization struck me fully the other day as I was filling out an insurance application... I'm mentally ill. I've known this of course for some time, but to have to list that condition on a paper then to explain it to an insurance person who's my kid's age made me see how I was categorized in with the people everyone calls "a bit touched" or just plain "crazy". I'd always thought I had a problem that would just work itself out one day, but now I know that I'm not so different from any other person in that particular grouping. I must say that as I've matured with this problem over the years I've come to develop an understanding of the torture that others go through, and realize that I'm one of the lucky ones of the mentally ill group, for many people are far worse than I am, to the point of not being able to function at all in society. Hopefully I'm not headed in that direction, although from where I've been at times I could see that it wouldn't have taken a lot to get there. No, I'm going to take an optimistic outlook on things and say that I've crested the hill and starting to coast down the other side. I hope.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Hi Tim,

This is a really powerful post! It's strange how seeing something in black and white can make a person step back and try to change things. Here's hoping for all good things to come to you!

4:03 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home