Desperados

There are a few guys who come into the store where I work who are obviously hard-up for; a real date, a lunch date, a handshake or a conversation lasting more than two minutes - with a lady, girl or old woman...anyone of the opposite sex. I've decided to call these love-starved-romeo-wannabes The Desperados. There's "He-Man", a bald, overweight stud of a man who wears wife beaters and shorts everyday to show off his bulging musc...well, his bulges. He's very loud and not afraid to talk to any woman and pose his pushing-60 year old body to impress any and all females in the vicinity. What's the most impressive thing about him is that he is able to stand erect, seeing that his belly is so large that it enters the store half a minute before the rest of him. Then there's "Mr. Nice Guy". He's in his 40's, overweight, knows all about sports and chats with the guys about the latest Browns deal or Indians game, but when it comes to smooth -talking the ladies he strikes out. His usual approach is to stealthily slip beside the unsuspecting damsel and say something like "I use that kind of onion in the spaghetti sauce I make". The startled response is usually "Oh". I'm sure he'd like to invite her to try his spaghetti sauce sometime but he hasn't the nerve to ask, so the whole incident comes off as awkward at best. Number three is "I just want to be loved". He has his favorites that work there that he tries to build a friendship with, but he comes across (to me at least) as a very 'needy' kind of person, waiting for some nice girl to take charge and lead him to happiness. The last guy is "Hang-around Hank". He'll come in and talk to everyone. Like Nice Guy he knows his sports and talks to all the guys about the latest football or basketball happenings, hoping that lady passerbys will see that he's one of the guys and therefore must be extremely studdly. He's not afraid to go up to any of them and try to make a joke or offer unwanted advice. He's also short, bald and fat. Although not quite as confident as He-Man he will follow his quarry through every aisle until she manages to shake him by disappearing into the restroom.

I like to watch those guys go through their routines trying to score, but I'm reminded of a saying.."There, but for the grace of God, go I". I know that I could easily have wound up trolling for skirts in the local supermarket had it not been for the interjection of my beloved wife, forcing me into a life of marital bliss and family servitutde..... umm..yeah, something like that.