Sunday, February 01, 2009

No Hair Trigger

I woke up in a cold sweat, terror stabbing at me like a thousand needles piercing my flesh, breath coming in and out in short gasps and my heart beating so hard I was sure it would explode. The event from earlier in the evening ran through my mind, though I tried not to think on it - the hammer cocked, barrel against my temple and my finger poised on the trigger, waiting for the signal from my brain to squeeze. Just a fraction of an ounce more pressure and the deed would be done. Even at that moment I knew it wouldn't happen. I knew that I would be waking later in the night to the horror of what almost was and thanking God for sparing me from myself, while cursing myself at the same time for my cowardice.
So there I was at 3 A.M. with hands shaking and my cup of tea spilling with each sip. I took slow, deep breaths trying to relax and sort through my thoughts. I knew I would never consciously pull that trigger but maybe Fate would intervene and finish what I couldn't. It didn't happen and now the worst part.... reliving the moment that almost was. I went back to bed praying for strength, but in the back of my mind I knew someday I'd be on the brink again, waiting to see if this would be the time I would squeeze just a little harder.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Oh Tim,

I hope you're okay! I'm really worried on this one. Please know people are thinking of you (okay, me -- I guess my plural means me and my scar :) ) and I'm sending all my love and prayers.

11:52 AM  

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