Wednesday, October 06, 2010

The Unblemished Melon

A person's brain has many indentations, and they say the more of these there are on the surface of the brain the more intelligent you are. Einstein, they say, had many deep indentations on his. In fact, I think they kept his brain in a jar for many years after he died and tapped into his intellect through wires attached from his brain to super computers, which gave us great advancements in things like the Star Wars defense program, Internet porn, and Billy Mays infomercials. Truly a genius.
After much study, many mathematical computations, hospital examinations & x-rays I've found that my own brain, like Einstein's, is quite extraordinary. It has the surface of a freshly polished bowling ball. Information making its way to my cerebral cortex is usually deflected the way most southerners casually shoo away a bothersome fly. This has never been so apparent as is has lately, like when trying to ascertain the slope of a demand curve with several variables, and my mind automatically turns on the 80's music and goes to a happy place. It's hard to drag it back from there. There are pretty, soft, warm things in that happy place, and they permeate the outer tissue of my shiny orb so much more readily than those facts and figures that I really need to get in there. I considered getting a brain transplant, but then I read, in the same magazine that had all that stuff about Albert's brain, that you could get hooked up directly to the wires from that jar and get instant intelligence. But it costs like $20,000 to do that, so instead I sent away for a CD that has the same stuff on it for $399 + shipping. It says that it subconsciously feeds information to my brain, all the while playing my favorite 80's songs.


Blogger Michelle's Spell said...

Hey Tim,

Eighties music is a happy place indeed! Give me Journey playing Don't Stop Believin and I'm good! xo

10:00 PM  

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