New Roads

I said I would try to log my progress with my driving/panic, but I haven't written anything about it yet. Last week I drove down a new road that I'd only been on a couple of times before. Yes, I did have a panic attack, but I made myself drive sensibly and got through it. For anybody who might have just happened here I am prone to panic attacks when I go anywhere, which are so severe that I've been almost homebound for many years. The shortest distance outside my "safety zone" can cause great anxiety. But last week I took a small step toward improvement, and today was another small step as I traveled a different road and went about a mile or so farther than I had. To most people this would be laughable, and when I was younger -before all this started- I too would have said "so what, you went another mile". But when the anxiety starts and panic sets in my mind goes off on another tangent, out of touch with reality...unable to reason. I've been using Xanax and have had a bit of success with it. It really dulls the sharp spike of panic and helps tremendously with the physical symptoms. I've also discovered something else that helps. If I can stop someplace, a store or gas station... anywhere I can move around and talk to someone. I have been a loner all my life except for having my family close and I guess it's been a detriment to my recovery to be alone all the time. Being around other people helps me keep my focus on reality. In fact, the one counselor who was helpful with this problem told me that I need a good support system. Normally, for most people, this would be their spouse. Although my wife has put up with my problem far longer than anyone else would have she does not know how to be supportive and helpful. She's gone above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to filling in when I can't go somewhere and I love her tremendously for that, but it's just that her personality is not geared to move me forward. I do all my driving "practicing" alone because, frankly, she makes me even more anxious when she's in the car with me. Since I have very few friends and since I don't like to tell many people about my problem it's been impossible to find someone to ride along and talk to who doesn't think I'm weird. But, as I said, in my thinking I'm starting to make some real progress, both in my acceptance of my problem and controlling the physical symptoms.
Hopefully I can keep improving.