Saturday, February 28, 2009

Finding a New Path

My dad died fifteen years ago today. So much has happened in the world since then. So much has changed in my life. So much has been affected by his passing. It's inevitable, time marches on and we have to adjust to the ones we love leaving us, the world constantly changing as life forces come and go leaving their impressions on us. February 28th, 1994 marked a drastic turn in my life, not a turn for either better or worse but just a turn that most all of us have to cope with at some point in our lives. The time where an avenue in your life is closed forever and you are forced to find another outlet to vent your troubles or try something on your own where before you had depended on someone else's guidance. It's how we grow emotionally, I guess, by having to adjust to life after losing someone. Truth be known, I'd rather have postponed that growing experience to have dad with me... just for a while longer.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Workin on the Shack

Yesterday and today were quite a change in weather from what it has been the last few weeks... months even. It got up to about 50 yesterday and about 70 degrees today, so I took the opportunity to paint the floor in the cabin. I did some yesterday then Ryan and I got more done today, so it's about 3/4 done. I just hope it dries since it's now raining out and supposed to turn colder tomorrow. I'm getting anxious for a lot of good weather so I can work on it some more. It looks pretty bare right now, but hopefully I'll get a porch put on it this spring and it will look a little less like an outbuilding and a little more like a cabin. I'll try to take some pictures of the inside too so I can have some before and after pics. Hurry up warm weather!

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Small Steps

I've discovered that, barring a miracle, it is going to take a series of small victories to overcome my anxiety issues. Furthermore, there can be no lapse between these progressions or else I am likely to revert back to the way I was before, like an recovering alcoholic can't take a drink every so often because he thinks he's cured. I find this to be the hardest part of getting through my problems - weeks or months of not being aggressive in fighting these demons. Time is the enemy and until I find some way of squeezing more hours into the day I'm afraid my road to recovery is a long one. The small victories, however, do provide me with a faint glimmer of hope, and I'm finding that I need to bunch those closer together to make any headway. I will try to work on doing that.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Catch With a Closed Fist

I have a co-worker who I talk to quite a bit because we've become friends over the last few years and I enjoy chatting with her. There's one small problem though. She speaks so quietly that half the time I don't know what she's saying and I find myself nodding in agreement to whatever it was that she just said. I'll ask her to repeat every now and then, but I don't want to be rude and ask after every sentence. She's a sensitive person and has her feelings hurt easily, so I usually try to catch the gist of the conversation as best I can. The fault is probably mine in not finding a tactful way to tell her I can't hear her. The truth is, I've had that kind of problem all my life - telling someone I didn't understand what they meant, or that I couldn't hear what they said. My high school baseball coach once told me to be sure to catch with a closed fist. I was the catcher. I nodded and had no clue what he meant. How could you catch when your hand was a fist. It would hurt. A lot. It wasn't until years later that I found out he meant to keep my throwing hand in a fist so my fingers wouldn't get broken by a foul ball. That was some good advice, wish I'd have asked what he was talking about then, not that it really mattered anyway since my fingers are still intact. I don't remember him having any words of wisdom about catching the ball first before applying a tag or else you'll end up with a bloody mouth. Now that would have helped, but of course maybe he did mention that and I just didn't understand or hear him. Anyway, I often feel awkward when someone is talking and I didn't catch what they said. It happens quite a bit to me, and since I deal with the public there have been more than a few times when a person is talking then stops for a response from me and I end up looking like an idiot who wasn't paying attention. Maybe I just need a hearing aid.

Monday, February 02, 2009

My Apologies

I use this space on the internet to write down my thoughts and feelings on whatever might be on my mind at the time, usually doing so without much planning and in a random sort of way because... that's me I guess. My post yesterday wasn't a recounting of an event in my life - from the past or the present - but was the way I imagine things might go if I was ever in that situation. I should have made that clear, and I apologize to my readers - check that, one reader and her oddly attractive scar .

Sunday, February 01, 2009

No Hair Trigger

I woke up in a cold sweat, terror stabbing at me like a thousand needles piercing my flesh, breath coming in and out in short gasps and my heart beating so hard I was sure it would explode. The event from earlier in the evening ran through my mind, though I tried not to think on it - the hammer cocked, barrel against my temple and my finger poised on the trigger, waiting for the signal from my brain to squeeze. Just a fraction of an ounce more pressure and the deed would be done. Even at that moment I knew it wouldn't happen. I knew that I would be waking later in the night to the horror of what almost was and thanking God for sparing me from myself, while cursing myself at the same time for my cowardice.
So there I was at 3 A.M. with hands shaking and my cup of tea spilling with each sip. I took slow, deep breaths trying to relax and sort through my thoughts. I knew I would never consciously pull that trigger but maybe Fate would intervene and finish what I couldn't. It didn't happen and now the worst part.... reliving the moment that almost was. I went back to bed praying for strength, but in the back of my mind I knew someday I'd be on the brink again, waiting to see if this would be the time I would squeeze just a little harder.